The Last Day

It's my last day back home. Tomorrow morning, I will do my epic traveling day again in reverse. Car to Bridgeport. Train to Grand Central. Subways to Queens. Air Train to the airport. Air plane to Syracuse. Car to Butt House. It will be a long, long day, but I am excited.

Every single freaking time I come home, I feel like I revert back to the immature 17 year old I was when I left here three years ago. It's a lot of the same problems, the drama and the general black-holiness that CT life was. I love coming back here to see my friends. To see how we've changed and how we've grown, and to see why I left. I always remember in the last couple of days that there was I reason I went to college so far away. I needed the independence from the area, from the friends and from the old guy.

I can't really talk about being home without touching on that one. There was a guy. A legitimate one. The first love who remains one of my best friends. Coming home, I have to revert to my past self and I feel like I am back in that high school relationship. Now, being under a mildly different relationship status, I had to deal with that and deal with the fact that this was really the absolute end. We had the talk, and decided to make the necessary changes to the relationship that needed to be made. It was so healthy, so growing and just entirely too necessary. I'm glad for that.

This was the last day for a lot of things. My family is moving back to Connecticut, so I no longer will be here as a visitor in the future. I will no longer be part of the high school relationship, but the "ex girlfriend." I will have to stop reverting back to who I was and really start to show everyone here who I am now. It's strange.

I had tons of fun here with my friends. But I am so excited to get back to school and continue moving forward.

Juice was Worth the Squeeze

I know, I know. Stealing a line from The Girl Next Door probably is a weird way to start out a blog entry, but I liked that movie and I loved that line. Hard work equals better results. Nothing could have proved that to me more than this weekend.

I can remember last year at exactly this time. I felt extremely jealous of a friend of mine who seemed to have the stars in her life align at just the same moment. As this person was one of my best friends, I felt horrible. I didn't know how to put my own selfish aims away and just be happy for my friend. It was hard. I decided to make it a private goal to start being more self-less.

Now, I don't know how well that translated to other people, but I have felt a change since this time last year. I have always been a happy person- but now I am not only happy for myself, but happy for the lives of my amazing friends around me. For my friends who get to see their boy/girl friends when they go home this weekend, for my best ginger friend who turned 21 AND will get to see her boyfriend, for a woman who is getting the attention she deserves from an amazing semester, to my sister who is really growing up, to everyone. I'm living vicariously through their happiness, and that makes it better than anything.

I have to say, it's been an amazing semester for me. The stars in my life finally seem to be aligning all at once this year, and I'm glad I have grown up enough and learned enough to appreciate that for all it's worth. The juice was definitely worth the squeeze.

20Ness

Sitting in political communication class not paying attention. This is one of those classes that seems to do little more than waste my time, but oh well. I will use this as valuable blogging time.

On that note, I am probably going to divide my regular blog and my sex, love and relationship blog. I keep wanting to discuss my own personal life on top of the other blog, so it just makes sense.

Turning 20 was a blast. I couldn't have had a better birthday. My friends continue to show me nothing but love, and that's really all I ever wanted. With a grand total of 4 cakes, 6 cards, 1 bottle of tequila and about 15 birthday pecks, I think things went pretty well.

I really have started to make moves that I think are for the overall betterment of my life- as opposed to the moves I make for temporary happiness. I've started thinking more long term, more about the things in my life that I really want, as opposed to the things that I want just for right now. Being this emotionally healthy is mildly terrifying, but I guess that's what maturity is.

I've got some good karma right now, and I am trying to make the most of it. I am excited to see where some things in my life go, and totally friggin nervous for the rest of it. Wish me luck I suppose.

xx

p.s. Update your damn blogs or I'm stopping.

Out of One Phase and Into Another

Taking a quick break from the now norm of this blog. I like to throw you all for loops sometimes to see who's really paying attention.

This time tomorrow, I am going to be a full fledged adult. No longer a teenager. Birthdays are always about change, about maturity. About growing up and moving on. And this one is particularly scary in that way. Sure, I have done a lot of maturing in the past couple of months. I have a real life, a real life job, an apartment to pay for, things to take care of, a life to lead. I've had a ton of responsibility in both classes and in APO. And I guess you could say all of that is growing up. On paper, I will be no more of an adult tomorrow than I am already today. So why does it feel like tomorrow, everything is just going to feel... older?

I think it is just luck that most of these things are happening at the same time that I exit my teenage years. I've been thrown quite a few personal curve balls recently that I just don't think I would have had the hutzpah to handle a couple of years (dare I say months?) ago. And it's all really happening. Whether I am turning 20 or not.

That said, there are a few specific goals I have for this year and beyond. Call it my new year resolutions. And why wait until December 31st to make them?

1. Keep my room clean for a week

I am the type of person that cleans often, lets things get horribly messy, then cleans them again. NO more! I am a big adult woman. I will do my laundry and put it in designated baskets, instead of what I do now- which is casually throw the clothes i try on into a pile at the foot of my bed and wait for it to go away.

2. Start writing more

Not so much my blog, sorry to disappoint. But my poems and short stories. it is just something that makes me happy, and I always seem to be too busy watching old Law and Order: SVU episodes to do it.

3. Start budgeting my money better

-Far too much of my budget goes to Chinese food delivery and not enough goes to buying everyday necessities- and a professional wardrobe.

4. Make more decisions on the Logical Frankie side of my Brain

I am an impulsive person, I will admit that. But far too much, I think with my heart and not my head. I need to start balancing the two, as opposed to the Angel-Devil Id-Superego scenario that is happening right now.

5. Start actively participating in the lives of those I care about.

The key word here is actively. I do participate in the lives of the people I love, but I never seem to make the first move- to take the risk and make the call. I have to do that now. Too many people I love need me, and I don't want to let then down if I can avoid it.

Five is enough for now. Any other suggestions?

xx

With this Ring

I went to a wedding this weekend, as a lot of you know. It was gorgeous, and actually the first real wedding I had ever been to. Of course, I got nice and emotional and teary at points, and the couple is one of those couples you are so sure is going to be with each other forever to a point where it's sickening, and that was amazing. Watching them get married was just so right and so real, I loved it.

It made me think about commitment a lot. Ask someone today what kind of relationship they're in or looking for and they'll probably say, "It's complicated."

Love their significant other, but they're not "The One"

The significant other is "The One" but they're scared

Not ready to be tied down

Not ready to settle down

Not ready to settle

Living the single life

Living the closeted gay life

Looking for a one night stand

Looking for a sex buddy

Looking for a "Kind of sort of significant exclusive non-exclusive other"

We're together. We're dating. We're in love. We're seeing each other.

I had an ex once say to me we were "existing" while we were exclusively dating. There's so many terms- so many ways to bring yourself out and keep yourself safe. To keep one foot out of it. Everyone is so damn afraid that they cannot even take the time to realize that maybe we should take out all of the funny words and confusing lingo- and just start communicating with each other.

So as I celebrate two of my friends taking the plunge this week, I vote we all try being honest with ourselves, and with the people we care about. Communicate. Give a hug?

xx

Young and All Around Stupid

Mirroring off a friend of mine's blog, I am a strong believer in fate. Timing, circumstance, kairos (there's a $50,000 a year word!), all of it. I think we are meant to discover certain things, learn certain ideas and feel certain emotions. I think we get choice in how we interpret our fate. How we choose to let these crucial moments play a part in our lives. I always say that people should never let "life happen to them", and when I say that I mean never let fate get the best of you. Try, interpret, learn and be happy. Make mistakes.

I went home this weekend and had some heart to hearts with some people I'm close with here. One of them was telling me about how she is back with her boyfriend on a "friends with benefits" type level. Mind you an ex-boyfriend who her whole family/friend group hates immensely, and who caused her much more emotional pain than I had ever seen her in. We were all so happy when she had finally gotten the courage to end it with him, and told her she was better off. And here she is now, still entertaining the idea of him, still making the mistake. She even said that to me. "Let me make my own mistakes. I know it is, but I'm okay with that. I'm the one who has to live with it at the end of the day."

Forget my views on friends with benefits for the moment. Different post for a different day. But what about her "let me make my own mistakes" outlook? I know I have shared those views before. Stayed in relationships I knew were wrong, dated people my friends and family could not stand, had summer flings that would never really make me happy- and I just viewed it as me being young and stupid. I saw it as me making a mistake, experiencing something new, getting burned, but gaining experience.

The key is I don't know if I can really sit here and say these bad decisions bettered me. I don't know if I could say I learned a valuable lesson and the older I get, the less willing I am to screw shit up. I don't think I regret any of it though. Making spontaneous and stupid is just part of who I am- and I know it's part of who my friend is. We're just like that. It's possible these mistakes just help us hone just how spontaneous and stupid we can be, and what we can get away with. We're testing the limits of ourselves- we're just doing it through a relationship.

So that is what I mean. It's not about the experiences themselves, but what you take out of them. Whether you choose to better yourself as a person, teach yourself a lesson, or just continue to be young and stupid. I think I'll choose option C for a while.

Your Lovin Gives Me a Thrill, But Your Lovin Don't Pay My Bills...

I've left you all waiting in anticipation for far too long. A blog about sex, dating, friendship quarrels, etc.? I'm sure you're all excited. Without further ado...

Do you have any idea how many of life's problems revolve around money?

I've been a broke college student bordering on 2 and a half years now, and a broke regular person for the other 17 years. And it is a matter of shock and awe to realize how many of my problems would be solved if I had some cash. Okay, I'm not saying money solves all problems. Look at all these train wreck celebrities and million dollar murders. But really.

A good friend of mine's boyfriend just offfered to wire her money "for the little things- just in case." He didn't want her to feel like money was a problem, and took it upon himself to show her how much he cared. She accepted, and the money was sent. She saw it as her guy taking care of her and being a respectable man. Though we joke about it, is this okay? Would we want that held over our heads? Is this... whoring? ha-ha

What about that time I went to a sex shop with an ex and didn't have the cash to afford the real champion products? I will admit home-made could probably suffice in this category, but nonetheless, I walked out disappointed. This disappointment usually only came after sex- NOT before, so that was upsetting by itself. And hey, couldn't this be considered a damper on my sex life? Experimentation= bonding with your partner. Better sex life= happier people. Look at that, I just dicked myself over by not being able to afford edible underwear. You are a cruel, cruel world.

And for those of you souls in long distance relationships- money is the constant Catch. You have to worry about paying for flights/other transportation, phone bills, new outfits, activities while your visiting/everything else when you see your long lost lover- and all of that could add up. I feel like a lot of the time long distance relationships don't work, it is because someone decides that the effort is not worth the reward- and the relationship is caput. Maybe it's just a better way of determining whether you are happy in the relationship or not early on, or maybe it kills the relationship before you even had a chance to start.

Throw some back at me. I want this new blog to be more reader focused as well. Tell me your own experiences and how money has played a role in your love lives. Post anonymously for the pansies and prudes out there...

Frankie

xxx

P.S. This blog was only half serious. Don't get too offended.