The Last Day

It's my last day back home. Tomorrow morning, I will do my epic traveling day again in reverse. Car to Bridgeport. Train to Grand Central. Subways to Queens. Air Train to the airport. Air plane to Syracuse. Car to Butt House. It will be a long, long day, but I am excited.

Every single freaking time I come home, I feel like I revert back to the immature 17 year old I was when I left here three years ago. It's a lot of the same problems, the drama and the general black-holiness that CT life was. I love coming back here to see my friends. To see how we've changed and how we've grown, and to see why I left. I always remember in the last couple of days that there was I reason I went to college so far away. I needed the independence from the area, from the friends and from the old guy.

I can't really talk about being home without touching on that one. There was a guy. A legitimate one. The first love who remains one of my best friends. Coming home, I have to revert to my past self and I feel like I am back in that high school relationship. Now, being under a mildly different relationship status, I had to deal with that and deal with the fact that this was really the absolute end. We had the talk, and decided to make the necessary changes to the relationship that needed to be made. It was so healthy, so growing and just entirely too necessary. I'm glad for that.

This was the last day for a lot of things. My family is moving back to Connecticut, so I no longer will be here as a visitor in the future. I will no longer be part of the high school relationship, but the "ex girlfriend." I will have to stop reverting back to who I was and really start to show everyone here who I am now. It's strange.

I had tons of fun here with my friends. But I am so excited to get back to school and continue moving forward.

Juice was Worth the Squeeze

I know, I know. Stealing a line from The Girl Next Door probably is a weird way to start out a blog entry, but I liked that movie and I loved that line. Hard work equals better results. Nothing could have proved that to me more than this weekend.

I can remember last year at exactly this time. I felt extremely jealous of a friend of mine who seemed to have the stars in her life align at just the same moment. As this person was one of my best friends, I felt horrible. I didn't know how to put my own selfish aims away and just be happy for my friend. It was hard. I decided to make it a private goal to start being more self-less.

Now, I don't know how well that translated to other people, but I have felt a change since this time last year. I have always been a happy person- but now I am not only happy for myself, but happy for the lives of my amazing friends around me. For my friends who get to see their boy/girl friends when they go home this weekend, for my best ginger friend who turned 21 AND will get to see her boyfriend, for a woman who is getting the attention she deserves from an amazing semester, to my sister who is really growing up, to everyone. I'm living vicariously through their happiness, and that makes it better than anything.

I have to say, it's been an amazing semester for me. The stars in my life finally seem to be aligning all at once this year, and I'm glad I have grown up enough and learned enough to appreciate that for all it's worth. The juice was definitely worth the squeeze.

20Ness

Sitting in political communication class not paying attention. This is one of those classes that seems to do little more than waste my time, but oh well. I will use this as valuable blogging time.

On that note, I am probably going to divide my regular blog and my sex, love and relationship blog. I keep wanting to discuss my own personal life on top of the other blog, so it just makes sense.

Turning 20 was a blast. I couldn't have had a better birthday. My friends continue to show me nothing but love, and that's really all I ever wanted. With a grand total of 4 cakes, 6 cards, 1 bottle of tequila and about 15 birthday pecks, I think things went pretty well.

I really have started to make moves that I think are for the overall betterment of my life- as opposed to the moves I make for temporary happiness. I've started thinking more long term, more about the things in my life that I really want, as opposed to the things that I want just for right now. Being this emotionally healthy is mildly terrifying, but I guess that's what maturity is.

I've got some good karma right now, and I am trying to make the most of it. I am excited to see where some things in my life go, and totally friggin nervous for the rest of it. Wish me luck I suppose.

xx

p.s. Update your damn blogs or I'm stopping.

Out of One Phase and Into Another

Taking a quick break from the now norm of this blog. I like to throw you all for loops sometimes to see who's really paying attention.

This time tomorrow, I am going to be a full fledged adult. No longer a teenager. Birthdays are always about change, about maturity. About growing up and moving on. And this one is particularly scary in that way. Sure, I have done a lot of maturing in the past couple of months. I have a real life, a real life job, an apartment to pay for, things to take care of, a life to lead. I've had a ton of responsibility in both classes and in APO. And I guess you could say all of that is growing up. On paper, I will be no more of an adult tomorrow than I am already today. So why does it feel like tomorrow, everything is just going to feel... older?

I think it is just luck that most of these things are happening at the same time that I exit my teenage years. I've been thrown quite a few personal curve balls recently that I just don't think I would have had the hutzpah to handle a couple of years (dare I say months?) ago. And it's all really happening. Whether I am turning 20 or not.

That said, there are a few specific goals I have for this year and beyond. Call it my new year resolutions. And why wait until December 31st to make them?

1. Keep my room clean for a week

I am the type of person that cleans often, lets things get horribly messy, then cleans them again. NO more! I am a big adult woman. I will do my laundry and put it in designated baskets, instead of what I do now- which is casually throw the clothes i try on into a pile at the foot of my bed and wait for it to go away.

2. Start writing more

Not so much my blog, sorry to disappoint. But my poems and short stories. it is just something that makes me happy, and I always seem to be too busy watching old Law and Order: SVU episodes to do it.

3. Start budgeting my money better

-Far too much of my budget goes to Chinese food delivery and not enough goes to buying everyday necessities- and a professional wardrobe.

4. Make more decisions on the Logical Frankie side of my Brain

I am an impulsive person, I will admit that. But far too much, I think with my heart and not my head. I need to start balancing the two, as opposed to the Angel-Devil Id-Superego scenario that is happening right now.

5. Start actively participating in the lives of those I care about.

The key word here is actively. I do participate in the lives of the people I love, but I never seem to make the first move- to take the risk and make the call. I have to do that now. Too many people I love need me, and I don't want to let then down if I can avoid it.

Five is enough for now. Any other suggestions?

xx