It's Been Far too Long

I have talked many a time about ending this blog and switching over to Wordpress, but I had a realization the other day.

I deleted my Twitter page (frankleton) a few months ago after being scared shitless about social media's effect on your online portfolio to potential employers. It was a pretty hasty decision, and one that I regret entirely. I had so much history in those tweets. I wrote mysterious tweets about boys in my life, recalled incredible nights of my college career, and communicated with old friends who have faded off into cyber/realspace. Similar emotions were evoked when I discovered my old livejournal, horrifying post after horrifying post of my tween years uncovered in just a few mouse clicks. Yes, it's embarrassing. My life and my life's history is barely ever un-embarrassing. But it is mine. My crazy, awkward, ridiculous life. I am keeping all social media. I will never delete my facebook, my new twitter, or this blog. Damn you all, Frankie M will always have historical artifacts. Regardless of how they effect my chances of finding a job. Priorities, people.

The Merwinstein Bears

In about 2 hours, Mama and Papa Merwin will be riding into Syracuse to watch me receive my college undergraduate degree. That's awesome. I think we should all take a moment to be super proud of ourselves, because there are a ton of people who never get this far. It's hard to feel unique and smart when you are lost in a sea of thousands, or when you realize that your freshman year blonde, annoying lab partner who you thought had some sort of learning impairment is graduating Summa Cum Laude. But I promise you, we are awesome. I'm so proud of us, and I'm so proud that I get to make my parents so proud. After all, I am still the kind of person who is constantly looking for my parent's approval. I think it's part of my youngest child syndrome. My older sister was always a friggin genius and I always felt like I had to live up to this impossible standard that she set. At the end of the day, I really just want my parents to love me more than her. (ha-ha) (...)

Along with Mama and Papa Bear, Brother and previously mentioned Sister Bear will be coming as well. I'm excited to see them for different reasons. We're all at similar points in our lives, and when we get together we can just talk and be ourselves again. Of course, I can only take about 2 days of this before I get really annoyed with them and we get into some sort of fight, but still.

It's officially graduation weekend: It's Friday (Friday, gotta get down on Friday), the apartment is getting clean and empty and I am hours away from seeing my beloved family, and saying goodbye to my Syracuse one.

Final stretch.

San What Now?

Less than one week before graduation and I'm... sitting in an airport? It's 5:30 a.m., and I'm trying to discretely do tests to figure out if I'm still drunk or not from an insane, seniory-night last night (It involved pancakes, singing "Graduate" and champagne toasts). I'm in an unusual outfit of shorts and sandals, ungodly tired but seriously excited. Why am I here? Instead of continuing to live in my senior year bubble, my sister decided to break me out of it and take me on a trip to San Juan, Puerto Rico for graduation.

Okay, it's not as ritzy and expensive as it sounds. We get free flights from her sweet airport job, and we both decided to take advantage and have one last, Merwin-sister hoo-rah and lie on the beach for a day. I'm so pumped. I love my sister, and I miss her. She's going through some rough times, so we're doing this together.

Hopefully, I don't get stranded there. Honestly, I'd love to be trapped in San Juan any other time, believe me. But not before the biggest weekend of my life thus far. It's getting nearer. Senior moments are increasing almost as fast as my current rates of day drinking. Syracuse is getting warm and I'm getting excited. It's nice to have something to break up these last end moments, though I'm going to miss every precious second that I'm not with my best friends. It's fun to know there's life beyond Syracuse, and a whole big world out there to be exploring.

Almost boarding time.... Wish me luck.

It's About that Time

So, I've got a confession. When I was an underclassmen, I stalked seniors. There you go. I would look at all of your blogs (Tori, C Nikole), I would go through your Facebook albums, I would talk to seniors constantly because.. well, I was excited. Your lives seemed so exciting. You would all complain about jobs, share teary goodbyes, attend these awesome events and just be rewarded. I couldn't wait for my turn.

Well, it's here. Classes end in 2 1/2 weeks. Graduation's less than a month away. I'm doing exciting things. I'm having senior moments. No, not the kind where I forget my wallet (I'm having those too, don't worry), but the kind where I run up to one of my friends because I am overcome with emotion and go in for the hug while they scream at me "It's too soon! Not yet!" Or the kind when I'm sitting in a library and someone asks me to come out on a Tuesday and the argument, "cmon.. comeonn.... it's senior year!" Is now working.

I guess it's coming at a good time. I have an answer to The Question. I have my Alex. I have my tried and true and proven group of friends (all four of you, feel proud). I did my credit check-- four times. My hands and feet are safely inside the vehicle and my personal belongings are close. I'm ready for this ride.

Getting Personal

So, I'm writing a book. This really shouldn't be too surprising. I am a writing major, and by virtue of this term, I like to write. I also like to read. I also like to make out with people.

That is why, my first attempt at book-writing, is a memoir of make-outs. My life story to this point told through my kisses- firsts, worsts, fulfilling and... horrifying. It's funny because in writing class they teach you all about plagiarism and copyright laws- getting permission for using characters and all. They encourage us to use imagery, be sensual and daring. But they never talk about how you tell your dad you would prefer he not read your book. They don't talk about how you casually mention to your boyfriend's mother that she can just read a book to determine whether you've had premarital sex. They don't talk about how you have to think about every word, phrase, innuendo- and wonder whether you are going to offend someone or hurt someone's feelings.

I am probably going to have to change names. I might even have to change my own. I have no qualms about a stranger reading it- but it's the people I'm closest to that I'm worried about hurting. I guess I just have to do what feels right- just be as true to myself and the stories as I can. And just sort of give a middle finger to everyone else. Maybe that's the most important lesson to learn as a writer. All I know, is nothing is going to stop me from writing it. I'm 20 pages in, and just finished kiss number 3. We'll see how it goes.

Please, feel free to offer any suggestions. Like how to save my personal life.

I think...

The reason I haven't blogged too much is because I have been too future oriented recently that I haven't just lived in the moment. I used to be very moment oriented, back in the day. I used to not care in repercussions, I used to make bad decisions. I was sort of wild, off the chain. And then, I met a boy. A boy who made me want to think about the future and do well for myself. And maybe even start making those hard life choices. A boy that changed me, and put me in the place that I needed to be in.

A senior. An adult. A real person in the real world.

Excuse me for continuing my "look towards the future" blog posts, I know they're probably getting old. But it's all I can think about. It's New Years anyways, give me a break. I finished my application today for a graduate-type program that would round out my "blank slate" year post graduation. And The Boy asked me one of those big life questions- which I said yes to. And no, not marriage.

But it's coming together- this future. In infinitely small baby steps, but obvious ones.

SO! My plan, my resolution, my goal: Enjoy the rest of my senior year. Find a way to get back into the moment and spend time with the people who matter to me. Have more girls nights at Faegan's with Katherine and Janae. Take advantage of the free gym at the University. Go to the gay bar with Royce. Spend a whole day with a Say Yes to the Dress marathon. Lie out in the middle of the quad at 2 a.m. on a school night with Alex. Enjoy California Spring Break. Order Chinese with Kelly. Play friscup Sleep late. Learn the piano. Go on adventures to Ithaca. Make bad choices. Make life changing ones. It's the end, and I'm staring down the barrel of the gun. And I swear to god my only resolution is to just make it count.

More Procrastination with a Side of Stumble Upon, Please

Ignore the fact that I have research at 11:30, a test at 2, a paper due by 5 and another paper due tomrrow morning. No, just ignore it. Because I can't.

Today is one of those days where you wake up feeling one simple, syllable emotion: Fucked. Luckily, I have found that there are some great ways of getting around this ever so undelighted fucked feeling.

-Stumble Upon. If you have not stumbled yet, go do it now. You really won't regret it. Some favorite I have stumbled on are virtual Pollock-ing and "10 Ways the Next 10 years will be awesome." And all those cute pictures of baby animals that seem to frequent my stumbles.

-Dream of homes I will never have. Unless I find sugar daddy. Then I can finally have my wood panelled mansh in Rhode Island and my hacienda villa in California. Ahh, a girl can dream. Or at least spend hours on realtor.com.

-Complain to somebody about how much work you have. It doesn't really matter who you complain to. No one is actually listening anyways.

-Sudoku. Thank you, Daily Orange. For your adequate journalistic coverage of Kid Cudi's new album and for awarding me my daily Sudoku fix. It appears this world is not all evil.

-Look at The Knot, The Nest, The Bump. Am I the only girl in the world who is a sucker for all things domestic? I mean, I can't be. That's what the 50's were all about, right? But how much fun are these sites!!

-Stare at the snow. Because at this rate, it's the only thing outside to stare at.

-While snow-staring (snastaring!)- one also might to make themselves a nice hot cup of cocoa and some oatmeal. Mostly just because that might be all that one may or may not have left in their kitchen cabinets.

-Update your blog.

-Keep updating it even though you have nothing else to say.

-Keep updating it even if you understand you will leave your readers unsatisfied and annoyed.

-Keep going.

-Do a nice arts and crafts project!

I am so fucked.